"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good"
If you didnt notice.. That is the opening to yet another Rihanna song, "We found love". The narration in the beginning is so on point. I keep going back to this song just to hear those words and then start it all over again.
After Danes viewing I sent the picture frames I made home with a friend and all of his clothes vacuum sealed to another friends house. I kept his last shirt he wore with me, along with his favorite sweatshirt and I sleep with them. His basketball shorts, countless newspaper ads with him obituary in it, his razor, his tooth brush, I have that all packed nicely in my closet.
Im fighting with myself. I want his pictures and clothes back in his house, but is that whats best? Will that mean closure for me?
Until now it has been a huge relief to not have to see them everywhere I turn... put them on and cry, only to stain them with mascara. Maybe I am helping myself by having this separation, maybe thats how Ive gotten so far.
I had an idea that for Christmas, Id make a few quilts out of his clothes for his/our close friends. My sister sternly told me to think about it and that those were mine, I didnt have to share. I wanted to then... now I just dont know. This crazy mind and all of its "what ifs" needs to sleep. I pray I find the answers in my dreams, maybe see his face. That is my only birthday wish. XO