I know you should be open to change, its what moves us all forward. I cant keep being so closed off because something makes me uncomfortable. I really just dont know how. Its extremely frustrating.
Dane and I had a "routine" of sorts. Id get up for school and wake him up, he would clean and get ready while I was gone, then we'd run some errands and get a snack before parting ways until bed time. Like clockwork. I think without this daily structure Ive become obsessive and then have periods of extreme laziness. Im fine with my lazy "bed days" :) no longer bad days! But something is missing. I have done the whole gym, yoga, craft ideas but nothing compares to life "before".
I am just searching for people, things, places to go to fill this time and I often end up driving around, where I am my worst enemy. I am trying to be positive but with the holidays and birthdays coming up I. just. cant.
I noticed today something that is either hindering this or maybe its necessary. Like I said, I dont even know at this point. Im just going thru the motions with my mind in constant chaos.
Every Thursday my alarm goes off at 1145am to get ready for school. (I know this is considerably late to be setting an alarm but remember I often work until 3am) Then it begins. Its the weekly anniversary of Dane leaving this Earth. I sit in bed or rush to get as much done before returning to bed at 1219. The exact time I made that 911 call. I dont make a sound, I just look at his side of the bed (by this time Ive moved over to my old spot in the bed and out of his where I now reside) Ill wait just replaying that morning in my head, eventually making my way out of the bed and onto the floor where I drug him off the bed to try CPR. This usually lasts about 10 minutes. Just reflecting. Its not sad anymore. In a weird way I feel like this is my time to pay my respects to him as if I was at his grave, but there is no grave, so this is sufficient. To let him know I dont ever forget him no matter how crazy busy I have gotten. I used to talk to him on the porch every night but those visits dont happen as often as now I have actually gotten back to sleeping at night. I dont just stay up and drive myself nuts anymore, thank goodness. Well not as often!
I continue this silent routine, retracing every step, while trying to get ready and out of the door, but it doesnt stop there. As I get down the stairs and look around I remember every thing from that morning; it feels as if Im underwater in a pool. Its so quiet. Its just me and my thoughts and I feel like Im out of control in a way. Then I finally make it to my car and as soon as I shut the door its like Ive held my breath too long and I bust through the surface of the water back to the real world. All of my senses come back so quickly and Im alive again and everything is so fast and loud.
Im really not sure if this is a good thing. I feel like if I dont do it I obsess over it all day!
I just want to be in the real world again. Be able to engage in conversations without every topic sparking a memory. But then again I really dont want to be normal again. This is "home" for me now. I was in the middle of studying tonight and looked at the clock thinking he would normally be coming home by now.. so I just had to get it all out! As long as people arent noticing and worrying that Im in this strange world I have created, its ok. Right? Dont get me wrong, Ive made a LOT of progress but this is just a small element Im not sure about. Ohhhhh routines...