My sleepy wandering mind.

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear

You almost feel ashamed

That someone could be that important

That without them, you feel like nothing

No one will ever understand how much it hurts

You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you

And when it's over, and it's gone

You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back

So that you could have the good"

If you didnt notice.. That is the opening to yet another Rihanna song, "We found love".  The narration in the beginning is so on point. I keep going back to this song just to hear those words and then start it all over again. 

After Danes viewing I sent the picture frames I made home with a friend and all of his clothes vacuum sealed to another friends house. I kept his last shirt he wore with me, along with his favorite sweatshirt and I sleep with them.  His basketball shorts, countless newspaper ads with him obituary in it, his razor, his tooth brush, I have that all packed nicely in my closet. 

Im fighting with myself. I want his pictures and clothes back in his house, but is that whats best?  Will that mean closure for me? 

Until now it has been a huge relief to not have to see them everywhere I turn... put them on and cry, only to stain them with mascara. Maybe I am helping myself by having this separation, maybe thats how Ive gotten so far.

I had an idea that for Christmas, Id make a few quilts out of his clothes for his/our close friends.  My sister sternly told me to think about it and that those were mine, I didnt have to share. I wanted to then... now I just dont know.  This crazy mind and all of its "what ifs" needs to sleep.  I pray I find the answers in my dreams, maybe see his face. That is my only birthday wish. XO

Routines

As great of a party/shower/girls night planner I am, I have a hard time planning enough mindless activities day to day to keep my mind from wandering.  I get so stuck into routines Ive really started to hate change.  This didnt just happen once Dane passed. Ive always been very type A, always making lists, always knowing my next move and I have found myself just stuck recently more than usual.

I know you should be open to change, its what moves us all forward. I cant keep being so closed off because something makes me uncomfortable. I really just dont know how. Its extremely frustrating. 

Dane and I had a "routine" of sorts. Id get up for school and wake him up, he would clean and get ready while I was gone, then we'd run some errands and get a snack before parting ways until bed time.  Like clockwork. I think without this daily structure Ive become obsessive and then have periods of extreme laziness. Im fine with my lazy "bed days" :) no longer bad days! But something is missing. I have done the whole gym, yoga, craft ideas but nothing compares to life "before". 

I am just searching for people, things, places to go to fill this time and I often end up driving around, where I am my worst enemy. I am trying to be positive but with the holidays and birthdays coming up I. just. cant. 

I noticed today something that is either hindering this or maybe its necessary. Like I said, I dont even know at this point.  Im just going thru the motions with my mind in constant chaos. 

Every Thursday my alarm goes off at 1145am to get ready for school. (I know this is considerably late to be setting an alarm but remember I often work until 3am) Then it begins. Its the weekly anniversary of Dane leaving this Earth. I sit in bed or rush to get as much done before returning to bed at 1219.  The exact time I made that 911 call.  I dont make a sound, I just look at his side of the bed (by this time Ive moved over to my old spot in the bed and out of his where I now reside) Ill wait just replaying that morning in my head, eventually making my way out of the bed and onto the floor where I drug him off the bed to try CPR. This usually lasts about 10 minutes. Just reflecting. Its not sad anymore. In a weird way I feel like this is my time to pay my respects to him as if I was at his grave, but there is no grave, so this is sufficient. To let him know I dont ever forget him no matter how crazy busy I have gotten.  I used to talk to him on the porch every night but those visits dont happen as often as now I have actually gotten back to sleeping at night. I dont just stay up and drive myself nuts anymore, thank goodness. Well not as often! 

I continue this silent routine, retracing every step, while trying to get ready and out of the door, but it doesnt stop there. As I get down the stairs and look around I remember every thing from that morning; it feels as if Im underwater in a pool.  Its so quiet. Its just me and my thoughts and I feel like Im out of control in a way. Then I finally make it to my car and as soon as I shut the door its like Ive held my breath too long and I bust through the surface of the water back to the real world. All of my senses come back so quickly and Im alive again and everything is so fast and loud. 

Im really not sure if this is a good thing.  I feel like if I dont do it I obsess over it all day! 

I just want to be in the real world again. Be able to engage in conversations without every topic sparking a memory.  But then again I really dont want to be normal again. This is "home" for me now. I was in the middle of studying tonight and looked at the clock thinking he would normally be coming home by now.. so I just had to get it all out! As long as people arent noticing and worrying that Im in this strange world I have created, its ok. Right? Dont get me wrong, Ive made a LOT of progress but this is just a small element Im not sure about. Ohhhhh routines...

XO

What now? Music therapy.

A week before Dane passed I went on a girls trip to Atlanta to see Rihanna (aka my FAVORITE person of all time, I know.. I know).  Looking back I see so many signs.  I didnt want to go without my favorite co pilot. We Facetimed like crazy people. I literally cried the whole concert because I was so EXCITED, but we always saw concerts together. Something was just missing. This song came on and I had goose bumps. I felt like she was singing this directly at me but I didnt know a word she was saying.  This was in April 2013, now it is more popular and on the radio but this song has been my outlet since he has been gone. When I came home I made him watch the performance on repeat :) Poor babe. I just put it on and sing at the top of my lungs, thankfully without tears now. I hope yall love it just as much. 

If you know the song, click one of the 2 links to see it live. She is so passionate and the live performance was breath taking.  If not scroll down to see the lyrics on the last link (then watch the live one!!!!!). She is a BOSS! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhGqNdreOrI

OR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYRQVQjdrjA

Lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZ_XP0Vbjdc

Filling the holes

About a week ago I had "one of those days". I couldnt get motivated, I couldnt get out of bed. I felt like I had regressed so much. I know there are good and bad days but this day was not expected. It was something I felt months ago. So unwelcomed and uncomfortable. I didnt want to feel it so I immediately took to my computer.

First I went to Google, my one stop shop where I find funny videos or websites that pep me up. When the page came up on my screen my fingers typed without my control. I blankly stared at the text "Coping after a boyfriends overdose". Wow. It was that bad, again. I needed something. Anything. Ive never looked for these resources before.  I honestly felt like I didnt need it. Who in the world would understand this? What therapist could give me answers? Well what I found was far more than they could provide. 

A few links popped up.. grief counseling in my area, overdose statistics.. nothing of which was appealing. I needed more. I scrolled down a few more and found a blog that I just had to click "X Amount Of Time". I couldnt stop my hands from controlling the mouse. 

I found an outlet, advice, support and someone experiencing the same thing that I was when I thought I was so alone. Someone so strong. I found someone who also lost her boyfriend to an overdose around the same time Dane passed. This was the Google jackpot. I read all of her blogs and felt all of her emotions. I had no idea who she was, what her hobbies were, what she did for a living.. nothing. But I knew her. It sent me into a whirlwind. I almost felt like I was reliving the past 6 months all over again reading her blog. This was a stranger. Going through the same thing. Feeling the same thing. From the outside you may not know how much this means but it means the absolute world to know you are not alone. An overdose death of a boyfriend is something that deserves an "Other" box if it were ever in a questionnaire. 

I cant exactly put into words what I feel other than saying that I am not alone physically anymore. I feel normal (as normal as you can feel).  It was such a force that took me to her page that I cannot deny it was Dane and her late boyfriend, Blake that bought us together. Out of all of the websites, I found her blog. I cant give credit to anyone but them for this! 

I wrote her on Facebook. The words just spilled out. I was so nervous because I didnt write that message. It was all Dane. He knew exactly what to say and I mindlessly just typed the words. At the end of the message I re read it and said to myself  "Dang Lauren, let her breathe. She is mourning too and you dont need to be so persistant!!" .."She is in California! What in the world are you doing bothering her?"  I added a polite "sorry if I came on too strong" line or 2 and pressed send.

What came back was far more than a simple message. She wrote back and I felt like every hole that was yearning to be filled had love and a deep support system gushing through it. I cant thank the boys enough. They knew what their girls needed and did this for us. They would never want us to feel alone and I am thankful I do not have to anymore. Sure we have friends and family but, knowing someone on the other side of the continent feels every aching beat of your heart is one in a million. 

I still cant comprehend why God took 2 people so special, so full of life, so happy and embracing of every obstacle throw at them away. I dont know where or what to do from here but I know I wont do it alone, Ill do it with Briana. I know that now more than ever. I always did soul searching and wondered how can anyone fill these shoes Dane left behind? Maybe I dont need anyone to do the things with we had always planned. Maybe all I ever need to get through this life is her. And maybe she needs me the same. He was always an amazing host and made my girlfriends feel so welcomed. I know he knows her, loves her, knows I need her and bought us together to push each other forward, not backwards like I was going. 

I gained a forever friend. 

Thank you babe. 

Still kickin!

Alright.. Im back! For good! I keep losing my email or password to login since Google wouldnt accept my normal "go-to"s but I have a new computer and its locked in for-ev-er!  Ive really missed blogging. So much has happened that I wish I had documented but oh well, I guess this is a fresh start.

Christmas is coming! (instert sarcastic "yayyyy" here) Christmas eve is Dane's birthday so my first one without him will be nothing short of an emotional break down Im sure.  Ive looked into things to do in his memory on this day but nothing seems good enough, so I decided Im just going to give, give, GIVE this year to the less fortunate.  That would make him so happy and proud.  Sure, you should do this every year but we all get so caught up in life that we forget.  That wont be me any longer. This is a mission! 

Tonight I really felt good and quite bittersweet.  

I went with my sister, her husband, her friends and their husbands to a silent/live auction for one of their childrens' schools.  I looked around the hundreds of spa packages, art work, and vacations feeling a bit out of place as the bids written down were far more than I have ever had in my bank account. Then there it was! 

A box with 10 brand new childrens book bags in it and NO bids. I immediately felt like I had to get them. Weird for any on looker Im sure. I could almost feel people looking at me as I looked at the starting bid like what the hell is she going to do with 10 book bags?! 

Well I won! I decided it would be an awesome and cost efficient thing to donate them to kids this Christmas. When I was dropping the box off I felt such an urge to call Dane.  I wanted to tell him what I won and how excited I was and hear him tell me how amazing he thought it was, how he wished he had gone and wished that people would have done that for him as a kid. We both had less than extravagant Christmases' growing up so this would mean so much to us both. I know he would have been so happy, wanted to fill them with toys and make a child smile with me.  

Even though it was his birthday and Christmas he never expected or asked for anything, ever.  I loved that so much about him. He would always just say he wanted to spend the day with me, even if we laid in bed all day and did nothing. Me on the other hand; I have a list and want to celebrate all month.

I guess thats what made he and I so special. We were so different but so alike. I know he wanted a special day for his birthday and not to have the crappy "bday/Christmas" combo he got stuck with year after year. He would tell a story how his family member, I believe his grandma, threw him a party during summer to make him feel special and it was the best birthday ever. I hope I can make someones Christmas special. I hope I can remember Danes giving heart and carry it with me every year while I do something in his memory and honor that he would be proud of. Thats my only Christmas wish. 

Disclaimer: Im 4 mimosas deep

Whewwww, Its been a WHILE since Ive blogged. Im not sure if Im any good at it (seeing as how my last post was 2 months ago, Im going with no!) but it really helps me get it out and I can breathe again. It may suck but honestly, I do not care what you think. This is my happy place.
Ill start with a brief summary of my last few months of chaos...

1. Im back in mine and Danes house!!! I couldn't be happier. This is my home I shared with him and the memories are amazing.  Not going to lie, I roll over looking for him and go into hysterics when I realize hes gone.  But the amazing thing is, hes absolutely not gone. He is here. Its just those few seconds I am thrown into shock and wondering if I can get out of bed and cook my own ramen noodles without his help.  :)

2. I have realized there are really SHITTY people in this world. Thankfully, they aren't anywhere by me! I have cut out the bullshit. If you arent a positive impact on me, get lost! I am so blessed to have my support system. They freaking ROCK! Friends I never considered sticking around or coming back into my life are there pushing me forward. They are angels. No need to name drop, reading this they know who they are, near and far. I have literally had a house maid everyday, loving me by giving me everything they can to see me happy.

3. My baby Bram is here!!! He is the most handsome doll baby nephew in the land.  Ive been a sucky aunt and haven't seen my babies since August but I hope they know Lala loves them and Im trying to take care of myself and not have them question my emotional state. At this point its just best for me.  The last time I went to eat with my sister and babies Ava asked what my necklace said.. (My babe flies with angels/ other side/ Dane Rebochak 12/24/85-05/02/13) But how do you explain that to them? It breaks my heart to think about taking that innocence from them and explaining what a cruel world this really is. They loved him, he loved them. We are blessed to have those memories together and when they get older we may cross that bridge.

My whole world

4. Im making this year MINE. Im going to own this bitch if it kills me. There are so many places I want to see and I wont let a silly fear or anxiety stand in my way.. which brings me to the bulk of this post.

IM GOING CRUISING! I leave next Thursday for a cruise for a dear friend of mines wedding.  Shes getting married to the love of her life in Nassau, the last place Dane and I vacationed together. I will probably be a bottle deep and highly medicated... it scares the shit out of me. But, watching a union of 2 people.. you cant sit this kind of thing out.

So onto the next thing.. Ive been contemplating love. What in the world is it? I read this article and it really spoke to me. Long story short, love isn't an emotion.  Its not the butterflies, its not the fluttering when you see their name on your phone, its not hanging out and being together all of the time.

As we grow up we are taught love is the thing you hear about in fairy tails. The "cant-live-without-you" feeling. WRONG. Ive witnessed it first hand and it brings me to the 10 commandments. ( excuse my use of curse words and a bible reference all in one blog ). I always wondered why the bible said " Love thy neighbor " ... so I need to be head over heels over my "neighbors"? No! silly! Love is not that fiery feeling when we see someone attractive, that's lust.  Love is to give. Give everything you have to make someone happy.  Give emotional support. Give praise.  Give what you have and the last of it to see that person smile. Love isn't an emotion, its a verb. Something you do for someone just to see them smile. So many relationships fail because they are constantly chasing those "sparks" when in all actuality they are with someone who would give up anything for them. That is the verb, love.

Thankfully, I have a lot of people around me who LOVE me. If I didn't know what I was experiencing with Dane, I have been shown now. That was love.

So I leave you with this awful song I hated until I heard it in Belks the other day. Celine makes me freaking cringe!!! This song is so real though. Its about true love and what that means outside of the fairy tails. Means more than anything in the world now.  If you want to see/hear my lyrical performance.. Holla atcha girl!
xo-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve4XD4LveU0

Lord help me forgive this person.. and keep me out of jail.

I love looking at Danes facebook. It makes me smile seeing his statuses, comments, pictures.. everything.  Id look back all the way to when he started his page and just read and it made my heart feel like it was fluttering. I was so happy. It was my most favorite thing to do, ever. I love seeing others comments and pictures. I loved posting things feeling like he was in heaven checking his Facebook and reading it. I know I can talk directly to him, but it was just something little I enjoyed.

I log on today to get my daily dose of Dane-ism and nothing came up for him. My heart sunk. At first I thought it was someone being ugly, they got his password and blocked me. I immediately start texting like a mad woman! Turns out no one can see it. Its gone. Deleted. Everything.
I am physically sick at this point. It is one thing to lose someone, not have a say in their funeral arrangements, get treated like crap by certain family members, like I was the one who killed him basically. I mean this has been a living hell. I dont know who would take this from us, but I have a pretty good idea because it would take a mentally ill person to do such a thing. It is disgusting!! We are all grieving and I'm sure Im not the only one who looked at his page just to get a smile and feel like he was still with us. To take it amongst yourself and be so selfish to do that, even if it hurts your feelings to see it, I hope satan has a seat reserved for you in hell.
I probably should not blog while so angry but I cannot contain myself. WHO and WHY would you do that?! It is taking everything in me not to do something highly illegal right now.

I do not look good in orange, I do not look good in orange, I do not look good in orange.. deep breaths.

I am so hurt and just plain angry about this. I started a new page that I can control, it isnt the same. This is just heartbreaking and mean. I know may people feel the same. I just feel like how this has affected me is different than other people. I know he was so important to other but this was my lover. Someone I woke up and went to sleep with every night. Missing that is irreplaceable. I almost feel bad because it isnt about me but his friends have other friends to lean on although it isnt the same without him. His family has other family to lean on. I have family and friends to go to but not another lover. My life will never ever be the same. As you grow up as a girl into a woman you think about getting married, who you will have kids with, what your house will look like. I thought of all of that and I thought I found it, now its not going to happen. How can anyone replace him and how can I ever think about doing that stuff with any other man? I know there is a bigger picture to my life but now I have tunnel vision. This is the icing on the cake. Completely uncalled for! I thought we were all in this boat together. I guess some people think they are the captain of SS Grief and want to make it comfortable for them to grieve while we all just sit here with no say.

Now that that is out of the way I myself need to ask for forgiveness and for God to help me forgive this person. I hope they are saying their prayers tonight because I will be praying for them.

I hope someone else needs this as much as I do.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Daniel 9:9

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him;

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. "

I tend to let anger get the best of me. And I explode. Im going to try not to do this and try to keep my sanity. 

Ive got an idea! Rut-roh

Blogging is extremely addictive! I feel like this is similar to the high you would get from meth. And something else thats addictive.. TATTOOS! 

Ive really wanted to get another tattoo for some time now.  While in this mid-life crisis I think it would be special. I dont want to be a copy cat but I have always loved this quote and tattoo on Jenna Jameson.

 "I am not afraid, I was born to do this." Joan of Arc

I have done my research and Im well aware of who Joan of Arc and Jenna Jameson are.  After reading "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale", Jenna's (we're buds) bio I have some serious respect for that woman! She has conquered some rough times that I couldnt even imagine.  

Same for Joan of Arc, of course! Girl power and such as. 

Now I do have one ill-planned tattoo already.  Being 16 with a fake ID is nothing short of a disastrous idea. I planned this tattoo for a solid 20 minutes and me and my bestfriend were off, crossing the SC/NC border to this lovely trailer to get something put on our body for-ev-er by a complete stranger who was higher than the heavens and smelling of dirty bong water. Thankfully we were still young and our immunizations were freshly coursing through our bodies or Im almost positive we would have contracted something lethal from this place. When I think back on it Im not even sure they asked for our IDs. Probably should have asked for his. 

The only things I do not regret about our tattoo travels: 

1. It is not the magical, moon, swirls and stars, repeated pattern my friend got placed right smack across  her entire lower back, colored in so beautifully in pastels. Ewk. 

2. I can cover this sucker up. 

3. I guess any way you look at it I can explain mine away.. 

my Papa died when I was little, angel wings, bam! My last name will always have been Eustace, bam! I love my dad, he is AMAZING, complete daddys girl, bam! He always called myself, my sister and my mom, Charlie's angels, BAM! 

4. I dont have to look at it if I dont want to. 

So here she is, so gracefully placed on my upper left ass cheek. 

Fantastic, right?!

So, what's another going to hurt. Might even make me forget about this one.

Back to my new idea. I have no idea where to put that big ass quote! I dont want it across my back. If Im going to get this I want to see it this time. I would like to have it somewhere I can hide it if I get a big girl job. So, that limits me to my ribs or I really think it'd be cute inside my bicep. When I consider my bicep all that comes to mind is if I get fat or old and have bingo arms it will not be so cute! Dane always wanted to get his late father's face on his ribs so Im drawn to that area.. however, Ive always thought it was a trashy spot on girls. Sorry to offend any of y'all! :x 

Anyone have any placement ideas? 

Please dont tell me to do a trial run with a fake tat. I have removed all sharpies from my home because I like to have cocktails here and there and I know I will wake up with it across my forehead decorated with hearts and smiley faces if drunk me remembers that idea.

Any font ideas?

Do you stick with one font if you get print on you, or switch it up. Im a bit OCD so I think Ill stick with homeboys text he chose for my first masterpiece. 

I also have one more! 

I was thinking of getting a semi colon ( ; ) for Dane. I thought this one through for a long time! You put a semicolon where a sentence could end, but it continues. Like Danes life: although it was taken so suddenly he will live on forever in our hearts. Brilliant huh? Well while packing I ran across some cards and letters Dane wrote and found something even better. I AM settled on getting this SOMEWHERE on my body. Thats about all I have settled on. Probably at the same time I get the other, go big or go home. 

 "Until next time" from one of his letters to his dad. Along with..

"I Love You." 

From a card when he messed up and did something probably very small that I threw a fit over. (notice the word considerate, hahaha. poor guy deserves an award.) I want those. Together. I dont know where, but in his handwriting. My feet are most definately OUT OF QUESTION. No one is touching my feet and I will touch no one else's feet. Except babies. They have cute widdle feet. 

They can stencil that and stuff right? Lord knows us Eustace sisters got the short end of the stick when it comes to anything related to arts and crafts. -Hey Liz!!- I didn't master the cute "hand turkey" until I was well into high school. Its so sad. 

I am open to any ideas! I actually really need them. So comment somewhere! -XO

Just a few of my favorite things. (A picture blog)

Dane and Butler

 That laugh <3

 Cruisin 2012

 ::insert Scarface "hat" dialog here::

 Relaxing in Grand Caymen

 Swimmin with the fishies in Miami. Scared to death!

 Dane and a very small portion of his friends, Vinny, Ashton and Raj

 Dylan, Dane, Corey and Vinny

 The most handsome ..

 Annaleigh and Dane. Sweetness.

 Our "fam".

 My sister and Dane. My bffs

 Pretty as a princess

 2nd Avenue pier

 Dane and I with Erin and Butler

 My 24th, 2011

 Cruisin 2012

 Comedy Cabana

 Bush 2011

 His 26th, 2011

 Dane and Chase who is now a Marine. He is so proud.

 Erin and my special boy

 Dane, his late father and his sister

 Drake in Columbia. Club Paradise Tour 2012

 Cruisin 2012

 and again, before dinner

 I wish I had a video of him getting into that wet suit ;)

 Morning beach walk with mimosas

 Easter 2011

 Miami Seaquarium

 Closing down at my work with me.

 Erins Birthday 2012

 Wheels up. Next stop Miami!

 Weezer, Dane and Gage.

 Our first anniversary at Barons

 My favorite picture of our last morning walk on the beach before he left us

 Thumbs up!

 My most favorite picture of him

 and again.

 King Kitty and Dane doing what they do best.

Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve..

First of all, Ive never blogged, this may suck.  I have no idea what Im doing or how to set this up but I have a strong urge to write so here it goes..

I hope everyone reading this knows me, if not here is a small bio before I start dishing my dirt online.  Im a 25 year old nursing student in Myrtle Beach.  I have 2 brother kitties who are my life.  I am a sister, aunt to 3 sweet babies, friend, enemy and human.  I have recently lost my boyfriend and best friend suddenly and this is my therapy, getting it all out and writing it down.  Mostly because it helps emotionally, more importantly, I don't ever want to forget this tough time of my life and how I made it through.

I know everyone wants the story and has heard so many screwed versions so Im going to take this first blog to tell you all the truth.
Rewind to 1999 when I moved here from Charleston, SC.  I was in 6th grade and my late boyfriend was in 8th.  We hung in the same group but he was so shy and I was new so, we didn't speak often but we carpooled with my sister and another set of siblings to and from school.  In April 2011 Dane and I started seeing a lot more of each other and hanging out almost every day.  I would love to say it was love at first sight because when we reconnected it was an instant feeling of "you-will-be-mine" on both ends, but it wasn't like in the movies, no fireworks and all that jazz. We connected on such a deep, personal level it was scary. In May that same year I bought a car from a mutual good friend who had recently moved to New York and I needed someone to come with me to fly there and drive it 19 hours back. It would have to be Dane!  He was the most entertaining, hilarious, fly by the seat of his pants person and I knew he wouldnt decline, and he didnt!  So we stayed at my house, woke up at 6am and were on a plane, drunk, sharing headphones listening to gangster rap by 9am.  It was a blast. I consider this our "first vacation" and it was so FUN!  We stayed with our friend and his girlfriend who were nothing short of the best hosts. We went to all the local dive bars, Lake George, laughed and laughed. On our way home for those 19 hours the conversation didnt stop between Dane and I. I mean it was non-stop for the entire trip. We talked about family, relationships, future plans, friends, school, old memories.. everything.  THAT was the moment I knew I found my other half. The best 19 hours of my life. Driving, laughing, talking, dancing, laughing again, singing, nothing but he and I and the long, long road that is I-95.

Once we got back to Myrtle Beach we grabbed some of Dane's clothes and he was moved in by the end of the week and we were "official". Those 2 years were so amazingly beautiful. Even in the arguments it was still so beautiful.  When times got tough or we were screaming at each other for no reason, I look back now and think how lucky I was to have someone so passionate.  It was a relationship so deep I cant even put it into words.  We both dont have a very tight extended family so we celebrated every holiday together and formed our own little "unit" with new traditions and celebrations that we shared with one another that I will never forget.

So fast forward and here we are in 2013. We recently moved and Dane and I were having issues with finances and blah blah blah.  Its winter in Myrtle Beach and you really have to plan ahead for this crap, which we didnt.  Tempers were flaring and we needed some time apart (as you can imagine! we had been living together since day one.) I took a girls trip to ATL on April 21st to see Rihanna and then the following week I was in a wedding so it was perfect timing. So I thought. I got home on the 29th and everything was magical and perfect again.  Then my entire life was turned upside down by its ankles and shaken.  Heres where we will clarify some rumors. I came home from school and had just rocked my exam and finished my semester with As and Bs.  Dane had been out that day so we decided to meet at the beach bar in front of our house and celebrate, he was more excited than I was!  He was picking me up and spinning me around and telling everyone how proud he was. I was so embarrassed but I was so blessed with such a caring individual in my life at the same time.
(And cue the tears)

We had some drinks here and there and went home.  Dane went back out and I decided to stay in and pass out.  When he got home I woke up for a few then he came and got in bed and we were out like lights. I woke up the next morning and got something to drink and turned on the Jodi Arias trial.  When I crawled back into bed something didnt feel right.  Thats when I saw his face and just a bit of blue around the inside of his lips. I felt his mouth and nose area and nothing. Watched for rising of his chest, nothing. This wasnt happening. I went into shock I guess, I dont know the term but I had the common sense of a 3 year old child and it was a complete out of body experience. I called my sister for some strange reason and she was frantically yelling "Call 911". I was so confused and in denial I could barely dial the numbers.  I got trained in CPR the month prior and everything went out the window once I got him out of bed and onto the floor.  As the operator was walking me through the steps I just kept screaming at him to wake up thinking he was going to and wonder why the heck I was yelling at him.  But again, nothing. When the police and EMS arrived they made me leave the house and I just wandered the parking lot aimlessly waiting for him to come down the stairs and say he was ok.  Well, the next time I saw him he was coming down the stairs, in a bag. I was so shocked I didnt feel anything.  I mean NOTHING. I was a shell standing there with his friend Raj and we just watched as they put him in a van and pulled off.  The EMS assured us his heart had stopped and there was absolutely nothing we could do or anything they could have done.  We just wanted to get in the van and go with him. This was not the end. It was a complete nightmare or mistake.

The following days were a blur. Friends were in and out, family was helping all they could but I could do nothing but lay in his spot in the bed and yell for everyone not to touch anything.  I just couldnt believe this was my life, his life. If you knew Dane you absolutely loved him. He was so positive even in the worst circumstances. And HILARIOUS! He was a chameleon, he could talk to anyone, relate to anyone and make anyone laugh until you thought you may throw up. This man had the world wrapped around his finger. He could make friends with strangers and was always such a gentleman.
I have never lost anyone like this.  Sure Ive had people pass away but this was my partner, my co pilot in life, my every thought was about him and still is. I lost my best friend and someone I had made so many plans with.

I wouldnt wish the thoughts and feelings I had on anyone. I have had every thought and feeling run through my body that you can imagine: sadness, loneliness, fear, depression, guilt, denial, and unfortunately suicide, although that would never even be a possibility, I just want to be with him and see his face and hold him again. Its been a roller coaster. His friends came over and we picked out his outfit for his viewing all in tears. We had to have him go out in his favorite Polo and jeans and of course his Jordans. Undergarments were all Polo of course. He would be so proud. But that feeling driving to the funeral home to take your boyfriends last outfit to him. Complete trauma. That should never happen to anyone. The viewing was filled to the max with friends old and new, all going from laughing to crying in a split second. It was beautiful and perfect, but it shouldnt have happened.
The following 2 months to present time Ive really been going through every emotion. We knew we had to move out of our condo for July prior to this tragedy for repairs and blah blah but I never pictured doing it alone. I didnt want any one in there. I didnt want anyone touching our stuff, our light switches, our handles to stuff. I was a mess! Going to bed crying only to wake up and look over and begin crying again. I didnt know how Id ever leave that place we called home, I felt like Id lose him all over again. But thankfully I had a great friend put me up for the month and I get to go back a week earlier than planned!

I cant wait to be honest. A lot of people have told me Ive already done this hard part why go back to that place? It was ours. That is why. Our home, our favorite view, the place our friends came, where we ate dinner and talked about any and everything. Its where we got ready to go on our dates and where I came home to him after work. I don't ever want to leave that house we made ours.

Dane was a light in everyones life he knew. I miss him so badly each day it almost feels like my heart is being stomped on. He was playful, a tid bit gangster, so compassionate and the best listener. He gave the best advice, always up for anything and wanted to see the whole world and experience every piece of it to the max. He would do anything you asked of him before even getting the question out of your mouth.  He was full of hilarious one liners and I know he was born to be a hype man! I can see him in heaven with Tupac and Biggie on a great big stage bouncing around doing his funny dances, throwing in some "ok"s and "ugh"s like the local dj on the radio on a Friday night. To know him was to love him. I am so lucky to have had him and have him watching over me now. I know full heartedly I will be protected by him forever. I miss everything about him, the way he picked up the phone singing, the way hed randomly pop up at my work, his so very sweet text, his big lips and silly sayings, every perfect imperfection he had. We have some amazing friends and Ive really done some searching within myself and into God to get me through this because I know this is a small obstacle to get me (and all of his loved ones) to something bigger and better He has planned for us. I have so many friends and family to thank for where I am today. So many people who have given me a reason to wake up. So many people who sent gifts, called, made me smile and I will be sure to get around to every one who has stuck by my side in blogs to come. Im looking forward to this being a positive blog where I can mindlessly talk about my life, rant, share stories and life lessons. But for now I have a beautiful baby to go babysit. Follow me, inspire me, I hope you enjoyed!

So there is my first blog ever. Raw and honest. - XO