Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Filling the holes

About a week ago I had "one of those days". I couldnt get motivated, I couldnt get out of bed. I felt like I had regressed so much. I know there are good and bad days but this day was not expected. It was something I felt months ago. So unwelcomed and uncomfortable. I didnt want to feel it so I immediately took to my computer.

First I went to Google, my one stop shop where I find funny videos or websites that pep me up. When the page came up on my screen my fingers typed without my control. I blankly stared at the text "Coping after a boyfriends overdose". Wow. It was that bad, again. I needed something. Anything. Ive never looked for these resources before.  I honestly felt like I didnt need it. Who in the world would understand this? What therapist could give me answers? Well what I found was far more than they could provide. 

A few links popped up.. grief counseling in my area, overdose statistics.. nothing of which was appealing. I needed more. I scrolled down a few more and found a blog that I just had to click "X Amount Of Time". I couldnt stop my hands from controlling the mouse. 

I found an outlet, advice, support and someone experiencing the same thing that I was when I thought I was so alone. Someone so strong. I found someone who also lost her boyfriend to an overdose around the same time Dane passed. This was the Google jackpot. I read all of her blogs and felt all of her emotions. I had no idea who she was, what her hobbies were, what she did for a living.. nothing. But I knew her. It sent me into a whirlwind. I almost felt like I was reliving the past 6 months all over again reading her blog. This was a stranger. Going through the same thing. Feeling the same thing. From the outside you may not know how much this means but it means the absolute world to know you are not alone. An overdose death of a boyfriend is something that deserves an "Other" box if it were ever in a questionnaire. 

I cant exactly put into words what I feel other than saying that I am not alone physically anymore. I feel normal (as normal as you can feel).  It was such a force that took me to her page that I cannot deny it was Dane and her late boyfriend, Blake that bought us together. Out of all of the websites, I found her blog. I cant give credit to anyone but them for this! 

I wrote her on Facebook. The words just spilled out. I was so nervous because I didnt write that message. It was all Dane. He knew exactly what to say and I mindlessly just typed the words. At the end of the message I re read it and said to myself  "Dang Lauren, let her breathe. She is mourning too and you dont need to be so persistant!!" .."She is in California! What in the world are you doing bothering her?"  I added a polite "sorry if I came on too strong" line or 2 and pressed send.

What came back was far more than a simple message. She wrote back and I felt like every hole that was yearning to be filled had love and a deep support system gushing through it. I cant thank the boys enough. They knew what their girls needed and did this for us. They would never want us to feel alone and I am thankful I do not have to anymore. Sure we have friends and family but, knowing someone on the other side of the continent feels every aching beat of your heart is one in a million. 

I still cant comprehend why God took 2 people so special, so full of life, so happy and embracing of every obstacle throw at them away. I dont know where or what to do from here but I know I wont do it alone, Ill do it with Briana. I know that now more than ever. I always did soul searching and wondered how can anyone fill these shoes Dane left behind? Maybe I dont need anyone to do the things with we had always planned. Maybe all I ever need to get through this life is her. And maybe she needs me the same. He was always an amazing host and made my girlfriends feel so welcomed. I know he knows her, loves her, knows I need her and bought us together to push each other forward, not backwards like I was going. 

I gained a forever friend. 
Thank you babe. 

1 comment:

  1. This was so unbelievably touching! I just want you to know that for every ounce of gratitude you have for finding me, I am filled with just as much for finding you. I believe with all of my heart that it was Dane and Blake connecting us, knowing that we could help each other's hearts heal.

    I am so glad you're a writer like me! Providing myself with a small piece of the internet to unload my feelings has been an absolute lifesaver. And it makes it even better that doing so has provided a way for me to make connections with people like you! I hope you keep writing and allowing yourself to be as honest as possible. I will always be here reading and providing support.

    Love you, girl <3