The last time I posted was 2 months ago today. I have been fighting all day with how I feel about Danes anniversary coming up so when I accidentally logged on and I saw February 28th as the last date I posted, I realized just how badly I needed to write. I got my computer and came on the porch to listen to the waves and watch the sunset and realized it was high tide. I feel like I am high tide. Right on the brink of spewing over and all of these emotions and tears coming out. I have been neglecting this calm place to express my feelings. It feels so good when a blog is complete and published. Its like hitting a refresh button and coming back to life. Everything gets left here and on I go.
I have been dreading this week since the very beginning. When I finally came to.. about a week after he passed.. I remember thinking about anniversaries to come. I remember week one and thinking how painful it was, how will I make it to month one, year one etc. Over these past couple of months I havent been thinking about how many days its been, Thursdays werent spent going thru the motions of that Thursday morning he passed and it was nice to regain focus on life. I had guilt free happy thoughts and the occasional memory wasnt like a shooting pain through my heart. I was wondering what it felt like to not be numb again and I felt it! I carried Dane in my heart but he no longer effected my every move until this morning.
My goodness, it was instantaneous. I woke up at 8:16 am and a swelling lump in my throat was there to greet me and has been growing as the day goes on. History is repeating itself. Our landlord and his buddies are back in town across the street, grilling, drinking, playing on the beach and asking me how I am in that way. Last year Dane was having drinks with them and mingling. Guy stuff. Im preparing for exams in the same spot as last year. Im just so sad that its been a year without him, happy to have our memories still, shocked that I have another boyfriend, overwhelmed with how far Ive come, Im proud that I stayed true to myself and done everything the way I wanted regardless of outside opinions, I cant explain. Right as I type that the beach band started up across the street that we danced to the night before he passed away and I cant even see to type with the tears. I keep thinking of the exact things we were doing at the exact times this year like a maniac but maybe thats my way of healing and grieving. I guess the only thing I wanted from this post was just that. Just a good cry. I have lost touch with all of these feelings that now they are too much at once. I need this blog just like I need sleep or food, maybe I always will, who knows. It just feels safe to get it all out in this spot and I dont need to keep forgetting that.
Friday, February 28, 2014
I havent written in for.ev.er. Ive felt a need and want to, but when I sit down there is just too much to even begin. Its like Im back at the beginning of this blog all over again.. sitting and staring at a blank screen wondering how in the hell to start, will it be interesting, there is just so much, will anyone read it.. blahblahblah.
It doesnt matter.
I made this for me and to me; to look back and reflect. So lets take a minute and reflect..
My Birthday, 11/30/13- I am 26! Whoa. My friends came to my work and rang it in with me at midnight on Friday, which was super special. A few days before I picked out my birthday dress and my girlfriend bought it for me which was so sweet and memorable to me. Dane bought my dress last year and it just felt good. The next night (my actual birthday) we went to dinner and I was quite upset. A bunch of friends of mine and Danes said they were coming.. months, weeks before.. and didnt show. I started thinking, I really am nothing without him. Im not the exciting, funny, girlfriend of their friend that they have to put up with anymore. They have a choice now and decided I suck without him. Some wandered in towards the end of the night but the significance was lost by then. I was thankful that the people who could make it did, but I also felt like this was important to be at.. And bring on the liquor.. I was in tears talking to strangers by 1am. Pity me.
Here Victoria and I are.. at the beginning of the night.
Danes Birthday, 12/24/13- This was what I thought would be my top 3 worst moments of my life.. For all of his friends and family.. #1 being him passing #2 being seeing him at the viewing for the last time. Surprisingly, his birthday was enjoyable. We had a few friends meet at Backyard (a bar down our street) and at midnight we all sang happy birthday :) I love ringing in birthdays at midnight if you havent noticed, LOVE it. We had his favorite red velvet cupcakes complete with the expensive 2 and 8 candles haha. Just kiddingggg. Anything for my babe. A lot of funny pictures of him were around the table and the candles were lighting them so beautifully. Everyone insisted I blow out the candles. Ill never forget how full I felt at that moment. Dane always gave me the smallest gestures to make me feel appreciated. I felt like he was there encouraging them to allow me to do that. They yelled at me for being crazy and threatened to not be friends with me because I tried to decline. It was an honorable thing for me. He was all around that night. He never wanted anything for his birthday since it was also Christmas Eve. He always asked to just be with people he loved whether it be friends, my family or whoever. Dane was so thankful for everything you did for him, even if I just got him a towel out of the towel closet while he was in the shower and was yelling for one, always, always so thankful. His birthday was perfect because everyone he loved and who loved him was right there paying their respects. Afterwards we had a few shots and everyone was safe in the bed by 2. It was so nice and intimate. I sat up until 7am just looking off of our balcony. This time last year we had a beautiful suite at Marina Inn at Grand Dunes. We sat on the porch overlooking a gorgeous marina and pool and talked for hours about what we wanted out of 2013. This year I sat on our bedroom balcony and just stared into a black sky. The only thing I remember is it being so cold that I couldnt move. I was out there for hours and it still didnt seem like enough.
So many pictures. So many memories.
My sweet gal pal thought of Dane during her Christmas trip to NY. Theres nothing that compares.
Danes birthday. I love that man.
New Years, 1/1/14- First year without that kiss from him in 3 years. Thankfully, I dont recall much from this night since I was working and forcing myself to be busy.
January came and left, February came and is leaving. The only notable thing to report is this is the 10th month without Dane. Lord give me strength.