Thursday, July 25, 2013

Lord help me forgive this person.. and keep me out of jail.

I love looking at Danes facebook. It makes me smile seeing his statuses, comments, pictures.. everything.  Id look back all the way to when he started his page and just read and it made my heart feel like it was fluttering. I was so happy. It was my most favorite thing to do, ever. I love seeing others comments and pictures. I loved posting things feeling like he was in heaven checking his Facebook and reading it. I know I can talk directly to him, but it was just something little I enjoyed.

I log on today to get my daily dose of Dane-ism and nothing came up for him. My heart sunk. At first I thought it was someone being ugly, they got his password and blocked me. I immediately start texting like a mad woman! Turns out no one can see it. Its gone. Deleted. Everything.
I am physically sick at this point. It is one thing to lose someone, not have a say in their funeral arrangements, get treated like crap by certain family members, like I was the one who killed him basically. I mean this has been a living hell. I dont know who would take this from us, but I have a pretty good idea because it would take a mentally ill person to do such a thing. It is disgusting!! We are all grieving and I'm sure Im not the only one who looked at his page just to get a smile and feel like he was still with us. To take it amongst yourself and be so selfish to do that, even if it hurts your feelings to see it, I hope satan has a seat reserved for you in hell.
I probably should not blog while so angry but I cannot contain myself. WHO and WHY would you do that?! It is taking everything in me not to do something highly illegal right now.

I do not look good in orange, I do not look good in orange, I do not look good in orange.. deep breaths.

I am so hurt and just plain angry about this. I started a new page that I can control, it isnt the same. This is just heartbreaking and mean. I know may people feel the same. I just feel like how this has affected me is different than other people. I know he was so important to other but this was my lover. Someone I woke up and went to sleep with every night. Missing that is irreplaceable. I almost feel bad because it isnt about me but his friends have other friends to lean on although it isnt the same without him. His family has other family to lean on. I have family and friends to go to but not another lover. My life will never ever be the same. As you grow up as a girl into a woman you think about getting married, who you will have kids with, what your house will look like. I thought of all of that and I thought I found it, now its not going to happen. How can anyone replace him and how can I ever think about doing that stuff with any other man? I know there is a bigger picture to my life but now I have tunnel vision. This is the icing on the cake. Completely uncalled for! I thought we were all in this boat together. I guess some people think they are the captain of SS Grief and want to make it comfortable for them to grieve while we all just sit here with no say.

Now that that is out of the way I myself need to ask for forgiveness and for God to help me forgive this person. I hope they are saying their prayers tonight because I will be praying for them.

I hope someone else needs this as much as I do.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Daniel 9:9

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him;

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. "

I tend to let anger get the best of me. And I explode. Im going to try not to do this and try to keep my sanity. 


  1. Ugh! I had a similar experience with Facebook right after Blake died. I actually had his password so I loved going on it and checking his notifications to see who was writing him and putting up pictures. Unfortunately, it was switched to a memorial state by his family and I could no longer log on as him.

    Now that I think about it, it's probably better and more respectful to him that I don't have complete access to all of his stuff. I am extremely grateful that his profile is still there though, so at least I can read what people post publicly.

    I don't think people really understand how little things like a Facebook page can mean so much to us. When you're clinging to every piece of him you can, the more that go missing, the more lost you feel. I think making him another page that you can access was a great idea. I hope it's helpful for you :)

  2. I did make him another page, exchanged words with a family member who accused me of deleting it, while I still think it was her, and after that conversation TADA the page came back and was memorialized. It is unfortunate that people don't understand how it feels to lose a lover. It is so unexplainable. I'm glad we have that connection.
    I'm sure accessing Blakes account was so helpful for your healing. However it being memorialized was probably the best thing, as you know how addicting it gets searching for the littlest stuff to keep his memory fresh in your head and heart. Sometimes I drive myself crazy digging. I'm glad I have your blog to dig in now instead and feel a bit sane lol. <3