Monday, July 22, 2013

Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve..

First of all, Ive never blogged, this may suck.  I have no idea what Im doing or how to set this up but I have a strong urge to write so here it goes..

I hope everyone reading this knows me, if not here is a small bio before I start dishing my dirt online.  Im a 25 year old nursing student in Myrtle Beach.  I have 2 brother kitties who are my life.  I am a sister, aunt to 3 sweet babies, friend, enemy and human.  I have recently lost my boyfriend and best friend suddenly and this is my therapy, getting it all out and writing it down.  Mostly because it helps emotionally, more importantly, I don't ever want to forget this tough time of my life and how I made it through.

I know everyone wants the story and has heard so many screwed versions so Im going to take this first blog to tell you all the truth.
Rewind to 1999 when I moved here from Charleston, SC.  I was in 6th grade and my late boyfriend was in 8th.  We hung in the same group but he was so shy and I was new so, we didn't speak often but we carpooled with my sister and another set of siblings to and from school.  In April 2011 Dane and I started seeing a lot more of each other and hanging out almost every day.  I would love to say it was love at first sight because when we reconnected it was an instant feeling of "you-will-be-mine" on both ends, but it wasn't like in the movies, no fireworks and all that jazz. We connected on such a deep, personal level it was scary. In May that same year I bought a car from a mutual good friend who had recently moved to New York and I needed someone to come with me to fly there and drive it 19 hours back. It would have to be Dane!  He was the most entertaining, hilarious, fly by the seat of his pants person and I knew he wouldnt decline, and he didnt!  So we stayed at my house, woke up at 6am and were on a plane, drunk, sharing headphones listening to gangster rap by 9am.  It was a blast. I consider this our "first vacation" and it was so FUN!  We stayed with our friend and his girlfriend who were nothing short of the best hosts. We went to all the local dive bars, Lake George, laughed and laughed. On our way home for those 19 hours the conversation didnt stop between Dane and I. I mean it was non-stop for the entire trip. We talked about family, relationships, future plans, friends, school, old memories.. everything.  THAT was the moment I knew I found my other half. The best 19 hours of my life. Driving, laughing, talking, dancing, laughing again, singing, nothing but he and I and the long, long road that is I-95.

Once we got back to Myrtle Beach we grabbed some of Dane's clothes and he was moved in by the end of the week and we were "official". Those 2 years were so amazingly beautiful. Even in the arguments it was still so beautiful.  When times got tough or we were screaming at each other for no reason, I look back now and think how lucky I was to have someone so passionate.  It was a relationship so deep I cant even put it into words.  We both dont have a very tight extended family so we celebrated every holiday together and formed our own little "unit" with new traditions and celebrations that we shared with one another that I will never forget.

So fast forward and here we are in 2013. We recently moved and Dane and I were having issues with finances and blah blah blah.  Its winter in Myrtle Beach and you really have to plan ahead for this crap, which we didnt.  Tempers were flaring and we needed some time apart (as you can imagine! we had been living together since day one.) I took a girls trip to ATL on April 21st to see Rihanna and then the following week I was in a wedding so it was perfect timing. So I thought. I got home on the 29th and everything was magical and perfect again.  Then my entire life was turned upside down by its ankles and shaken.  Heres where we will clarify some rumors. I came home from school and had just rocked my exam and finished my semester with As and Bs.  Dane had been out that day so we decided to meet at the beach bar in front of our house and celebrate, he was more excited than I was!  He was picking me up and spinning me around and telling everyone how proud he was. I was so embarrassed but I was so blessed with such a caring individual in my life at the same time.
(And cue the tears)

We had some drinks here and there and went home.  Dane went back out and I decided to stay in and pass out.  When he got home I woke up for a few then he came and got in bed and we were out like lights. I woke up the next morning and got something to drink and turned on the Jodi Arias trial.  When I crawled back into bed something didnt feel right.  Thats when I saw his face and just a bit of blue around the inside of his lips. I felt his mouth and nose area and nothing. Watched for rising of his chest, nothing. This wasnt happening. I went into shock I guess, I dont know the term but I had the common sense of a 3 year old child and it was a complete out of body experience. I called my sister for some strange reason and she was frantically yelling "Call 911". I was so confused and in denial I could barely dial the numbers.  I got trained in CPR the month prior and everything went out the window once I got him out of bed and onto the floor.  As the operator was walking me through the steps I just kept screaming at him to wake up thinking he was going to and wonder why the heck I was yelling at him.  But again, nothing. When the police and EMS arrived they made me leave the house and I just wandered the parking lot aimlessly waiting for him to come down the stairs and say he was ok.  Well, the next time I saw him he was coming down the stairs, in a bag. I was so shocked I didnt feel anything.  I mean NOTHING. I was a shell standing there with his friend Raj and we just watched as they put him in a van and pulled off.  The EMS assured us his heart had stopped and there was absolutely nothing we could do or anything they could have done.  We just wanted to get in the van and go with him. This was not the end. It was a complete nightmare or mistake.

The following days were a blur. Friends were in and out, family was helping all they could but I could do nothing but lay in his spot in the bed and yell for everyone not to touch anything.  I just couldnt believe this was my life, his life. If you knew Dane you absolutely loved him. He was so positive even in the worst circumstances. And HILARIOUS! He was a chameleon, he could talk to anyone, relate to anyone and make anyone laugh until you thought you may throw up. This man had the world wrapped around his finger. He could make friends with strangers and was always such a gentleman.
I have never lost anyone like this.  Sure Ive had people pass away but this was my partner, my co pilot in life, my every thought was about him and still is. I lost my best friend and someone I had made so many plans with.

I wouldnt wish the thoughts and feelings I had on anyone. I have had every thought and feeling run through my body that you can imagine: sadness, loneliness, fear, depression, guilt, denial, and unfortunately suicide, although that would never even be a possibility, I just want to be with him and see his face and hold him again. Its been a roller coaster. His friends came over and we picked out his outfit for his viewing all in tears. We had to have him go out in his favorite Polo and jeans and of course his Jordans. Undergarments were all Polo of course. He would be so proud. But that feeling driving to the funeral home to take your boyfriends last outfit to him. Complete trauma. That should never happen to anyone. The viewing was filled to the max with friends old and new, all going from laughing to crying in a split second. It was beautiful and perfect, but it shouldnt have happened.
The following 2 months to present time Ive really been going through every emotion. We knew we had to move out of our condo for July prior to this tragedy for repairs and blah blah but I never pictured doing it alone. I didnt want any one in there. I didnt want anyone touching our stuff, our light switches, our handles to stuff. I was a mess! Going to bed crying only to wake up and look over and begin crying again. I didnt know how Id ever leave that place we called home, I felt like Id lose him all over again. But thankfully I had a great friend put me up for the month and I get to go back a week earlier than planned!

I cant wait to be honest. A lot of people have told me Ive already done this hard part why go back to that place? It was ours. That is why. Our home, our favorite view, the place our friends came, where we ate dinner and talked about any and everything. Its where we got ready to go on our dates and where I came home to him after work. I don't ever want to leave that house we made ours.

Dane was a light in everyones life he knew. I miss him so badly each day it almost feels like my heart is being stomped on. He was playful, a tid bit gangster, so compassionate and the best listener. He gave the best advice, always up for anything and wanted to see the whole world and experience every piece of it to the max. He would do anything you asked of him before even getting the question out of your mouth.  He was full of hilarious one liners and I know he was born to be a hype man! I can see him in heaven with Tupac and Biggie on a great big stage bouncing around doing his funny dances, throwing in some "ok"s and "ugh"s like the local dj on the radio on a Friday night. To know him was to love him. I am so lucky to have had him and have him watching over me now. I know full heartedly I will be protected by him forever. I miss everything about him, the way he picked up the phone singing, the way hed randomly pop up at my work, his so very sweet text, his big lips and silly sayings, every perfect imperfection he had. We have some amazing friends and Ive really done some searching within myself and into God to get me through this because I know this is a small obstacle to get me (and all of his loved ones) to something bigger and better He has planned for us. I have so many friends and family to thank for where I am today. So many people who have given me a reason to wake up. So many people who sent gifts, called, made me smile and I will be sure to get around to every one who has stuck by my side in blogs to come. Im looking forward to this being a positive blog where I can mindlessly talk about my life, rant, share stories and life lessons. But for now I have a beautiful baby to go babysit. Follow me, inspire me, I hope you enjoyed!

So there is my first blog ever. Raw and honest. - XO

1 comment:

  1. This was very heartbreaking to read, but I'm so glad you wrote it. I'm sorry that it seems like rumors shifted peoples focus away from what is really important. It's not about who was there, what exactly happened, or blaming anyone. It's about what a special person he was and how you are going to rebuild your life going forward. <3