Ill start with a brief summary of my last few months of chaos...
1. Im back in mine and Danes house!!! I couldn't be happier. This is my home I shared with him and the memories are amazing. Not going to lie, I roll over looking for him and go into hysterics when I realize hes gone. But the amazing thing is, hes absolutely not gone. He is here. Its just those few seconds I am thrown into shock and wondering if I can get out of bed and cook my own ramen noodles without his help. :)
2. I have realized there are really SHITTY people in this world. Thankfully, they aren't anywhere by me! I have cut out the bullshit. If you arent a positive impact on me, get lost! I am so blessed to have my support system. They freaking ROCK! Friends I never considered sticking around or coming back into my life are there pushing me forward. They are angels. No need to name drop, reading this they know who they are, near and far. I have literally had a house maid everyday, loving me by giving me everything they can to see me happy.
3. My baby Bram is here!!! He is the most handsome doll baby nephew in the land. Ive been a sucky aunt and haven't seen my babies since August but I hope they know Lala loves them and Im trying to take care of myself and not have them question my emotional state. At this point its just best for me. The last time I went to eat with my sister and babies Ava asked what my necklace said.. (My babe flies with angels/ other side/ Dane Rebochak 12/24/85-05/02/13) But how do you explain that to them? It breaks my heart to think about taking that innocence from them and explaining what a cruel world this really is. They loved him, he loved them. We are blessed to have those memories together and when they get older we may cross that bridge.
My whole world
4. Im making this year MINE. Im going to own this bitch if it kills me. There are so many places I want to see and I wont let a silly fear or anxiety stand in my way.. which brings me to the bulk of this post.
IM GOING CRUISING! I leave next Thursday for a cruise for a dear friend of mines wedding. Shes getting married to the love of her life in Nassau, the last place Dane and I vacationed together. I will probably be a bottle deep and highly medicated... it scares the shit out of me. But, watching a union of 2 people.. you cant sit this kind of thing out.
So onto the next thing.. Ive been contemplating love. What in the world is it? I read this article and it really spoke to me. Long story short, love isn't an emotion. Its not the butterflies, its not the fluttering when you see their name on your phone, its not hanging out and being together all of the time.
As we grow up we are taught love is the thing you hear about in fairy tails. The "cant-live-without-you" feeling. WRONG. Ive witnessed it first hand and it brings me to the 10 commandments. ( excuse my use of curse words and a bible reference all in one blog ). I always wondered why the bible said " Love thy neighbor " ... so I need to be head over heels over my "neighbors"? No! silly! Love is not that fiery feeling when we see someone attractive, that's lust. Love is to give. Give everything you have to make someone happy. Give emotional support. Give praise. Give what you have and the last of it to see that person smile. Love isn't an emotion, its a verb. Something you do for someone just to see them smile. So many relationships fail because they are constantly chasing those "sparks" when in all actuality they are with someone who would give up anything for them. That is the verb, love.
Thankfully, I have a lot of people around me who LOVE me. If I didn't know what I was experiencing with Dane, I have been shown now. That was love.
So I leave you with this awful song I hated until I heard it in Belks the other day. Celine makes me freaking cringe!!! This song is so real though. Its about true love and what that means outside of the fairy tails. Means more than anything in the world now. If you want to see/hear my lyrical performance.. Holla atcha girl!