Monday, April 28, 2014

Week 52

The last time I posted was 2 months ago today.  I have been fighting all day with how I feel about Danes anniversary coming up so when I accidentally logged on and I saw February 28th as the last date I posted, I realized just how badly I needed to write. I got my computer and came on the porch to listen to the waves and watch the sunset and realized it was high tide.  I feel like I am high tide.  Right on the brink of spewing over and all of these emotions and tears coming out.   I have been neglecting this calm place to express my feelings.  It feels so good when a blog is complete and published.  Its like hitting a refresh button and coming back to life.  Everything gets left here and on I go.

 I have been dreading this week since the very beginning.  When I finally came to.. about a week after he passed.. I remember thinking about anniversaries to come. I remember week one and thinking how painful it was, how will I make it to month one, year one etc. Over these past couple of months I havent been thinking about how many days its been, Thursdays werent spent going thru the motions of that Thursday morning he passed and it was nice to regain focus on life.  I had guilt free happy thoughts and the occasional memory wasnt like a shooting pain through my heart.  I was wondering what it felt like to not be numb again and I felt it! I carried Dane in my heart but he no longer effected my every move until this morning.

My goodness, it was instantaneous. I woke up at 8:16 am and a swelling lump in my throat was there to greet me and has been growing as the day goes on.  History is repeating itself.  Our landlord and his buddies are back in town across the street, grilling, drinking, playing on the beach and asking me how I am in that way. Last year Dane was having drinks with them and mingling. Guy stuff. Im preparing for exams in the same spot as last year.  Im just so sad that its been a year without him, happy to have our memories still, shocked that I have another boyfriend, overwhelmed with how far Ive come, Im proud that I stayed true to myself and done everything the way I wanted regardless of outside opinions, I cant explain. Right as I type that the beach band started up across the street that we danced to the night before he passed away and I cant even see to type with the tears. I keep thinking of the exact things we were doing at the exact times this year like a maniac but maybe thats my way of healing and grieving. I guess the only thing I wanted from this post was just that. Just a good cry. I have lost touch with all of these feelings that now they are too much at once.  I need this blog just like I need sleep or food, maybe I always will, who knows. It just feels safe to get it all out in this spot and I dont need to keep forgetting that.

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