Week 52

The last time I posted was 2 months ago today.  I have been fighting all day with how I feel about Danes anniversary coming up so when I accidentally logged on and I saw February 28th as the last date I posted, I realized just how badly I needed to write. I got my computer and came on the porch to listen to the waves and watch the sunset and realized it was high tide.  I feel like I am high tide.  Right on the brink of spewing over and all of these emotions and tears coming out.   I have been neglecting this calm place to express my feelings.  It feels so good when a blog is complete and published.  Its like hitting a refresh button and coming back to life.  Everything gets left here and on I go.

 I have been dreading this week since the very beginning.  When I finally came to.. about a week after he passed.. I remember thinking about anniversaries to come. I remember week one and thinking how painful it was, how will I make it to month one, year one etc. Over these past couple of months I havent been thinking about how many days its been, Thursdays werent spent going thru the motions of that Thursday morning he passed and it was nice to regain focus on life.  I had guilt free happy thoughts and the occasional memory wasnt like a shooting pain through my heart.  I was wondering what it felt like to not be numb again and I felt it! I carried Dane in my heart but he no longer effected my every move until this morning.

My goodness, it was instantaneous. I woke up at 8:16 am and a swelling lump in my throat was there to greet me and has been growing as the day goes on.  History is repeating itself.  Our landlord and his buddies are back in town across the street, grilling, drinking, playing on the beach and asking me how I am in that way. Last year Dane was having drinks with them and mingling. Guy stuff. Im preparing for exams in the same spot as last year.  Im just so sad that its been a year without him, happy to have our memories still, shocked that I have another boyfriend, overwhelmed with how far Ive come, Im proud that I stayed true to myself and done everything the way I wanted regardless of outside opinions, I cant explain. Right as I type that the beach band started up across the street that we danced to the night before he passed away and I cant even see to type with the tears. I keep thinking of the exact things we were doing at the exact times this year like a maniac but maybe thats my way of healing and grieving. I guess the only thing I wanted from this post was just that. Just a good cry. I have lost touch with all of these feelings that now they are too much at once.  I need this blog just like I need sleep or food, maybe I always will, who knows. It just feels safe to get it all out in this spot and I dont need to keep forgetting that.

3 Month Hiatus

I havent written in for.ev.er. Ive felt a need and want to, but when I sit down there is just too much to even begin. Its like Im back at the beginning of this blog all over again.. sitting and staring at a blank screen wondering how in the hell to start, will it be interesting, there is just so much, will anyone read it.. blahblahblah. 

It doesnt matter.

I made this for me and to me; to look back and reflect. So lets take a minute and reflect.. 

My Birthday, 11/30/13- I am 26! Whoa. My friends came to my work and rang it in with me at midnight on Friday, which was super special. A few days before I picked out my birthday dress and my girlfriend bought it for me which was so sweet and memorable to me. Dane bought my dress last year and it just felt good. The next night (my actual birthday) we went to dinner and I was quite upset. A bunch of friends of mine and Danes said they were coming.. months, weeks before.. and didnt show.  I started thinking, I really am nothing without him. Im not the exciting, funny, girlfriend of their friend that they have to put up with anymore. They have a choice now and decided I suck without him. Some wandered in towards the end of the night but the significance was lost by then. I was thankful that the people who could make it did, but I also felt like this was important to be at.. And bring on the liquor.. I was in tears talking to strangers by 1am. Pity me. 

Here Victoria and I are.. at the beginning of the night. 

Danes Birthday, 12/24/13- This was what I thought would be my top 3 worst moments of my life.. For all of his friends and family.. #1 being him passing #2 being seeing him at the viewing for the last time. Surprisingly, his birthday was enjoyable. We had a few friends meet at Backyard (a bar down our street) and at midnight we all sang happy birthday :) I love ringing in birthdays at midnight if you havent noticed, LOVE it. We had his favorite red velvet cupcakes complete with the expensive 2 and 8 candles haha. Just kiddingggg. Anything for my babe. A lot of funny pictures of him were around the table and the candles were lighting them so beautifully. Everyone insisted I blow out the candles. Ill never forget how full I felt at that moment. Dane always gave me the smallest gestures to make me feel appreciated. I felt like he was there encouraging them to allow me to do that. They yelled at me for being crazy and threatened to not be friends with me because I tried to decline. It was an honorable thing for me. He was all around that night. He never wanted anything for his birthday since it was also Christmas Eve. He always asked to just be with people he loved whether it be friends, my family or whoever. Dane was so thankful for everything you did for him, even if I just got him a towel out of the towel closet while he was in the shower and was yelling for one, always, always so thankful. His birthday was perfect because everyone he loved and who loved him was right there paying their respects. Afterwards we had a few shots and everyone was safe in the bed by 2. It was so nice and intimate. I sat up until 7am just looking off of our balcony.  This time last year we had a beautiful suite at Marina Inn at Grand Dunes. We sat on the porch overlooking a gorgeous marina and pool and talked for hours about what we wanted out of 2013. This year I sat on our bedroom balcony and just stared into a black sky. The only thing I remember is it being so cold that I couldnt move. I was out there for hours and it still didnt seem like enough. 

So many pictures. So many memories. 

My sweet gal pal thought of Dane during her Christmas trip to NY. Theres nothing that compares. 

Danes birthday. I love that man.

New Years, 1/1/14- First year without that kiss from him in 3 years. Thankfully, I dont recall much from this night since I was working and forcing myself to be busy. 

January came and left, February came and is leaving. The only notable thing to report is this is the 10th month without Dane. Lord give me strength. 

My sleepy wandering mind.

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear

You almost feel ashamed

That someone could be that important

That without them, you feel like nothing

No one will ever understand how much it hurts

You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you

And when it's over, and it's gone

You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back

So that you could have the good"

If you didnt notice.. That is the opening to yet another Rihanna song, "We found love".  The narration in the beginning is so on point. I keep going back to this song just to hear those words and then start it all over again. 

After Danes viewing I sent the picture frames I made home with a friend and all of his clothes vacuum sealed to another friends house. I kept his last shirt he wore with me, along with his favorite sweatshirt and I sleep with them.  His basketball shorts, countless newspaper ads with him obituary in it, his razor, his tooth brush, I have that all packed nicely in my closet. 

Im fighting with myself. I want his pictures and clothes back in his house, but is that whats best?  Will that mean closure for me? 

Until now it has been a huge relief to not have to see them everywhere I turn... put them on and cry, only to stain them with mascara. Maybe I am helping myself by having this separation, maybe thats how Ive gotten so far.

I had an idea that for Christmas, Id make a few quilts out of his clothes for his/our close friends.  My sister sternly told me to think about it and that those were mine, I didnt have to share. I wanted to then... now I just dont know.  This crazy mind and all of its "what ifs" needs to sleep.  I pray I find the answers in my dreams, maybe see his face. That is my only birthday wish. XO

Routines

As great of a party/shower/girls night planner I am, I have a hard time planning enough mindless activities day to day to keep my mind from wandering.  I get so stuck into routines Ive really started to hate change.  This didnt just happen once Dane passed. Ive always been very type A, always making lists, always knowing my next move and I have found myself just stuck recently more than usual.

I know you should be open to change, its what moves us all forward. I cant keep being so closed off because something makes me uncomfortable. I really just dont know how. Its extremely frustrating. 

Dane and I had a "routine" of sorts. Id get up for school and wake him up, he would clean and get ready while I was gone, then we'd run some errands and get a snack before parting ways until bed time.  Like clockwork. I think without this daily structure Ive become obsessive and then have periods of extreme laziness. Im fine with my lazy "bed days" :) no longer bad days! But something is missing. I have done the whole gym, yoga, craft ideas but nothing compares to life "before". 

I am just searching for people, things, places to go to fill this time and I often end up driving around, where I am my worst enemy. I am trying to be positive but with the holidays and birthdays coming up I. just. cant. 

I noticed today something that is either hindering this or maybe its necessary. Like I said, I dont even know at this point.  Im just going thru the motions with my mind in constant chaos. 

Every Thursday my alarm goes off at 1145am to get ready for school. (I know this is considerably late to be setting an alarm but remember I often work until 3am) Then it begins. Its the weekly anniversary of Dane leaving this Earth. I sit in bed or rush to get as much done before returning to bed at 1219.  The exact time I made that 911 call.  I dont make a sound, I just look at his side of the bed (by this time Ive moved over to my old spot in the bed and out of his where I now reside) Ill wait just replaying that morning in my head, eventually making my way out of the bed and onto the floor where I drug him off the bed to try CPR. This usually lasts about 10 minutes. Just reflecting. Its not sad anymore. In a weird way I feel like this is my time to pay my respects to him as if I was at his grave, but there is no grave, so this is sufficient. To let him know I dont ever forget him no matter how crazy busy I have gotten.  I used to talk to him on the porch every night but those visits dont happen as often as now I have actually gotten back to sleeping at night. I dont just stay up and drive myself nuts anymore, thank goodness. Well not as often! 

I continue this silent routine, retracing every step, while trying to get ready and out of the door, but it doesnt stop there. As I get down the stairs and look around I remember every thing from that morning; it feels as if Im underwater in a pool.  Its so quiet. Its just me and my thoughts and I feel like Im out of control in a way. Then I finally make it to my car and as soon as I shut the door its like Ive held my breath too long and I bust through the surface of the water back to the real world. All of my senses come back so quickly and Im alive again and everything is so fast and loud. 

Im really not sure if this is a good thing.  I feel like if I dont do it I obsess over it all day! 

I just want to be in the real world again. Be able to engage in conversations without every topic sparking a memory.  But then again I really dont want to be normal again. This is "home" for me now. I was in the middle of studying tonight and looked at the clock thinking he would normally be coming home by now.. so I just had to get it all out! As long as people arent noticing and worrying that Im in this strange world I have created, its ok. Right? Dont get me wrong, Ive made a LOT of progress but this is just a small element Im not sure about. Ohhhhh routines...

XO

What now? Music therapy.

A week before Dane passed I went on a girls trip to Atlanta to see Rihanna (aka my FAVORITE person of all time, I know.. I know).  Looking back I see so many signs.  I didnt want to go without my favorite co pilot. We Facetimed like crazy people. I literally cried the whole concert because I was so EXCITED, but we always saw concerts together. Something was just missing. This song came on and I had goose bumps. I felt like she was singing this directly at me but I didnt know a word she was saying.  This was in April 2013, now it is more popular and on the radio but this song has been my outlet since he has been gone. When I came home I made him watch the performance on repeat :) Poor babe. I just put it on and sing at the top of my lungs, thankfully without tears now. I hope yall love it just as much. 

If you know the song, click one of the 2 links to see it live. She is so passionate and the live performance was breath taking.  If not scroll down to see the lyrics on the last link (then watch the live one!!!!!). She is a BOSS! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhGqNdreOrI

OR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYRQVQjdrjA

Lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZ_XP0Vbjdc

Filling the holes

About a week ago I had "one of those days". I couldnt get motivated, I couldnt get out of bed. I felt like I had regressed so much. I know there are good and bad days but this day was not expected. It was something I felt months ago. So unwelcomed and uncomfortable. I didnt want to feel it so I immediately took to my computer.

First I went to Google, my one stop shop where I find funny videos or websites that pep me up. When the page came up on my screen my fingers typed without my control. I blankly stared at the text "Coping after a boyfriends overdose". Wow. It was that bad, again. I needed something. Anything. Ive never looked for these resources before.  I honestly felt like I didnt need it. Who in the world would understand this? What therapist could give me answers? Well what I found was far more than they could provide. 

A few links popped up.. grief counseling in my area, overdose statistics.. nothing of which was appealing. I needed more. I scrolled down a few more and found a blog that I just had to click "X Amount Of Time". I couldnt stop my hands from controlling the mouse. 

I found an outlet, advice, support and someone experiencing the same thing that I was when I thought I was so alone. Someone so strong. I found someone who also lost her boyfriend to an overdose around the same time Dane passed. This was the Google jackpot. I read all of her blogs and felt all of her emotions. I had no idea who she was, what her hobbies were, what she did for a living.. nothing. But I knew her. It sent me into a whirlwind. I almost felt like I was reliving the past 6 months all over again reading her blog. This was a stranger. Going through the same thing. Feeling the same thing. From the outside you may not know how much this means but it means the absolute world to know you are not alone. An overdose death of a boyfriend is something that deserves an "Other" box if it were ever in a questionnaire. 

I cant exactly put into words what I feel other than saying that I am not alone physically anymore. I feel normal (as normal as you can feel).  It was such a force that took me to her page that I cannot deny it was Dane and her late boyfriend, Blake that bought us together. Out of all of the websites, I found her blog. I cant give credit to anyone but them for this! 

I wrote her on Facebook. The words just spilled out. I was so nervous because I didnt write that message. It was all Dane. He knew exactly what to say and I mindlessly just typed the words. At the end of the message I re read it and said to myself  "Dang Lauren, let her breathe. She is mourning too and you dont need to be so persistant!!" .."She is in California! What in the world are you doing bothering her?"  I added a polite "sorry if I came on too strong" line or 2 and pressed send.

What came back was far more than a simple message. She wrote back and I felt like every hole that was yearning to be filled had love and a deep support system gushing through it. I cant thank the boys enough. They knew what their girls needed and did this for us. They would never want us to feel alone and I am thankful I do not have to anymore. Sure we have friends and family but, knowing someone on the other side of the continent feels every aching beat of your heart is one in a million. 

I still cant comprehend why God took 2 people so special, so full of life, so happy and embracing of every obstacle throw at them away. I dont know where or what to do from here but I know I wont do it alone, Ill do it with Briana. I know that now more than ever. I always did soul searching and wondered how can anyone fill these shoes Dane left behind? Maybe I dont need anyone to do the things with we had always planned. Maybe all I ever need to get through this life is her. And maybe she needs me the same. He was always an amazing host and made my girlfriends feel so welcomed. I know he knows her, loves her, knows I need her and bought us together to push each other forward, not backwards like I was going. 

I gained a forever friend. 

Thank you babe. 

Still kickin!

Alright.. Im back! For good! I keep losing my email or password to login since Google wouldnt accept my normal "go-to"s but I have a new computer and its locked in for-ev-er!  Ive really missed blogging. So much has happened that I wish I had documented but oh well, I guess this is a fresh start.

Christmas is coming! (instert sarcastic "yayyyy" here) Christmas eve is Dane's birthday so my first one without him will be nothing short of an emotional break down Im sure.  Ive looked into things to do in his memory on this day but nothing seems good enough, so I decided Im just going to give, give, GIVE this year to the less fortunate.  That would make him so happy and proud.  Sure, you should do this every year but we all get so caught up in life that we forget.  That wont be me any longer. This is a mission! 

Tonight I really felt good and quite bittersweet.  

I went with my sister, her husband, her friends and their husbands to a silent/live auction for one of their childrens' schools.  I looked around the hundreds of spa packages, art work, and vacations feeling a bit out of place as the bids written down were far more than I have ever had in my bank account. Then there it was! 

A box with 10 brand new childrens book bags in it and NO bids. I immediately felt like I had to get them. Weird for any on looker Im sure. I could almost feel people looking at me as I looked at the starting bid like what the hell is she going to do with 10 book bags?! 

Well I won! I decided it would be an awesome and cost efficient thing to donate them to kids this Christmas. When I was dropping the box off I felt such an urge to call Dane.  I wanted to tell him what I won and how excited I was and hear him tell me how amazing he thought it was, how he wished he had gone and wished that people would have done that for him as a kid. We both had less than extravagant Christmases' growing up so this would mean so much to us both. I know he would have been so happy, wanted to fill them with toys and make a child smile with me.  

Even though it was his birthday and Christmas he never expected or asked for anything, ever.  I loved that so much about him. He would always just say he wanted to spend the day with me, even if we laid in bed all day and did nothing. Me on the other hand; I have a list and want to celebrate all month.

I guess thats what made he and I so special. We were so different but so alike. I know he wanted a special day for his birthday and not to have the crappy "bday/Christmas" combo he got stuck with year after year. He would tell a story how his family member, I believe his grandma, threw him a party during summer to make him feel special and it was the best birthday ever. I hope I can make someones Christmas special. I hope I can remember Danes giving heart and carry it with me every year while I do something in his memory and honor that he would be proud of. Thats my only Christmas wish.